No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
