I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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