My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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