My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
