I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
