I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
