Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
