when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
