I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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