That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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