Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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