Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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