the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
