I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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