update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
