ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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