my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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