Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
