I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
