dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
