You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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