Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sober January is a disaster.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
