my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
