Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
