Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
