take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
