so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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