i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She bit a glass in half.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
