Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
