you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
