just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
