Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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