ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
