Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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