i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
