ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
