I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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