Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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