you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I want to be your penis for a week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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