When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
