I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
