I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
