i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
