i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
