Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
