I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
