Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
