He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
