I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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