I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
