Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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