I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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