i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you never un-have a 4some
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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